I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
