I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
