Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
