My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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