So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
