that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize