this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
