I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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