i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
