Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
