Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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