your parents love me but you hate me
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize