I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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