Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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