I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
