I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
