i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I believe in your delicious
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
