YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
