Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
