My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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