i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
