My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
