I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
