so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize