fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
