I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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