Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
