I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
