i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He shit in the fireplace
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
