I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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