Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
