Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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