Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
This is classic penis vs brain.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
