I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
