Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
