i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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