After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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