i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
