someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize