you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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