Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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