Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize