Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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