Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
