it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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