Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
