so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
