I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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