: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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