If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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