You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
