oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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