I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
