I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
