Define "chronic" masturbator.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
