Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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