1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
