there's paper in my vomit.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
