I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
