my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
