I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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