i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
