she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize