When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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