Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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