i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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