I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
