with your own penis?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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