I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
3 2 1 whiskey
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Randomize
