This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
