Fine. I'll sleep in my office
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
